Whoops: There Goes Reality

Okay, so I watch Jersey Shore. NO! Wait! Don't stop reading this! Don't turn away just yet. I know I will be judged by some for tuning in to watch the Orange Ones, but you have to understand a little about me here. I consider myself a sort of an anthropologist. A sociologist, if you will. A Watcher of People. Tuning in was a cultural scientific endeavor, you see, the watching of the Jersey Shore. Most professional. These people are Northerners, y'all. They could be biting the heads of chickens for all I knew. Investigation was needed.

Because seriously: I tuned in the second or third season (the one before Italy; not a lot different happens from episode to episode, so it's hard to differentiate) after watching the show blow up in its initial popularity without me. From the outside and to me, these Jersey Shore people were an entirely different culture, nay, a wholly different species than me. A grating, audibly dressed species, albeit, but nonetheless: it was like a car wreck at which eventually even I couldn't resist a stare. What were they doing?

I couldn't resist finding out: who was this Snooki who made more money than I, silly me with my post graduate degrees, could ever dream about? What was a Situation, and why were his sunglasses always half down and his shirt half up? Would fake boobs actually keep one afloat in salt water? INQUIRING MINDS HAD TO KNOW.

Yes, I am a "cultural anthropologist and entertainment sociologist." That sounds so much classier than "television addict and media lemming." Whatever the case, I was determined to get a bead on why these characters seemed to resound so much with so many Americans. If you didn't love Jersey Shore, you loved to hate Jersey Shore. I knew going in that partially, the popularity had to do with the train wreck that these...kids? What are they, 40?...seemed to be. I'm always up for a good train wreck by trade.

Of course, MTV profited handsomely by encouraging the Jersey Shore cast to bring in the eyeballs with the drama. The more arrests and fistfights the better. MTV sat back and just coolly shot footage of car wrecks, both literal and figurative, that the cast created. How do you top getting arrested or doing a face plant on Italian cobblestones? When you're competing with the interwebs, that's a lot of pressure for a Snooki or a Situation. Or anyone, I would think, with a discernible lack of talent who is being paid to appear on television.

Fascinating to me! People paid handsomely to...do what? They don't perform, per se. They don't really do much of anything. And this is where I wonder if there wasn't a little social irresponsibility on the entertainment industry's part in what happened next. What at first looked like a cute Spring Break blow-out became a lifestyle for the Jersey Shore bunch, the work they were paid to do.

Snooki's falling down, punching people, flashing her undercarriage, getting arrested. Deana gets drunk and lets her panties fall around her ankles dancing. Situation's smashed and passing out on couches in restaurants in between twitching, jumping, and being paranoid. Jenni charmingly will drop her drawers and pee just about anywhere.Vinny developed an anxiety disorder so disabling he packed up and left the show for weeks before being put on the spot to return. Ron commits domestic violence with Sammi. Most of the cast treat sex partners like Kleenex. Then suddenly the cast finds its collective age closer to 30 than 20. And MTV didn't think there would be a little emotional fall-out?

It's a new dawn at the Jersey Shore as its sixth, yes, sixth season comes into the planning stage. Snooki is now pregnant and engaged, carrying the guido baby she has wanted with Jionni forever. The Situation finds himself in treatment for drug abuse or dependence, but when he's out of rehab, he doesn't want to give up the big bucks he gets for appearing in the very nightclubs where he drugged and drank until he couldn't stand. How will the show handle the cast's changes? Will there be changes?

Because after all, will the same viewing audience love the Shore cast when they're watching Snooki gestate and shop for a breast pump with the same fervor that they did watching her roam the streets of Italy, falling down and barefoot, drunk and screaming? What if getting off speed will make for a kinder, more gentle Situation who doesn't scheme with the Unit (Yes, yes, yes, insert snark about these silly names here)? What if half the cast chooses not to drink, or in Vinny's case, club (turns out crowds, flashing lights and pounding music ain't too good for anxiety symptoms)? Will MTV step in? Or step back?

If MTV steps in to take care of their cast, will they kill their show? Will big bucks win over the health of these aging cast members? Is it at all possible to address the fact that the Shore lifestyle, which includes binge drinking as de rigueur, isn't so cute and can, in fact, only lead to crazy, jail, or dead? Is there a way MTV can seize this moment to expose their young audience to the fact that in real life, the way you act when you're really hammered is really not so endearing?

I'm interested to see where my little anthropologic foray into the psyches of both the MTV programming team and the Jersey Shore crew ends up next. The party's largely over. Summer is not never-ending. Time marches on. But I don't think anyone could have told me that in my early twenties either. That I would, eventually and against my will, be dragged into adulthood and maturity kicking and screaming.

Don't get me wrong! I'm not a sourpuss. I like friendship, wine, and song as much as any other human. But Abe Simpson was right: I was "with it" once. Then, they changed what "it" is. Now, what "it" is is scary and strange. It'll happen to you. And I think we're watching something like that hit the Jersey Shore cast. Here's hoping the entertainment industry doesn't chew them up and spit them out like bad chicken parm. And that the twenty-somethings who want to model their lifestyles after Snooki and Sitch realize it's just a little too much reality. Even at the Jersey Shore.