Is it me, fellow Texans, or has this been one of the gloomiest winters ever? It seems like there's been day after day of gray skies. It won't rain; it won't clear up. I'm okay with some precipitation having grown up in the rain forrests of Mississippi. But this overcast-living-in-a-cloud thing that's been going on around here has gotten a little old, can we agree? Is this London? Or Seattle, for the love of all that's holy? Where is that confounded sun?
I don't know about you, but I'm a Southerner. We're a tropical people. Around this time every year, we below the Mason-Dixon line are about done with what we can only label Yankee weather. So what's a Southern boy or girl to do to survive? Here's some ideas to keep from going starkers while we wait for that glowing orb in the sky to return:
I can't speak for the rest of the people of the region, but me? I need me some light, folks. Stat. I'm thisclose to purchasing one of those fake-sun visors the cast of Northern Exposure used to wear. In the meanwhile, I'm following the light like a house cat with a laser pointer. I literally sit in pools of sunlight in my house if I can't get outside. I think I may, indeed, photosynthesize. And I'm about to pull on a parka and have a picnic, I swear, even if it's cloudy and 40 degrees.And thanks to my seasonally-affected decreased levels of the brain neurotransmitter serotonin, guess who's craving the carbs? Why, oh why are all the warm foods so very fattening? Hot chocolate, clam chowder, chili...no wonder I've put on what I lovingly refer to as my "winter coat." Comfort food: it's a hug for your belly. And guess what, folks? I'm perfectly fine with that. You might as well put a nipple on the giant latte I'm drinking. Here's to meat loaf and crockpot roasts and pretending I will never have to wear a bathing suit again.
There's another thing that makes winter and three months mostly indoors bearable, and it's called Netflix. Are you aware there are four seasons of Sons of Anarchy available to watch back to back? That you can indeed catch up on the entirety of the likes of Breaking Bad or Downton Abbey over a dreary weekend? With all due respect to Benjamin Franklin, Netflix is proof that God loves us and wants to be happy.
Guess what else is an indoor sport? Shopping! No need to bundle up or stretch beforehand. If there were an Olympic gold medal in it, I would possess as many as Michael Phelps. But Target is heated, folks, and filled with so many wonderful shiny things. And speaking as a girl: I love shiny things. Maybe I'll get that sequinned bikini. For when I give up my winter food, natch. And boy does an excellent sale purchase from Kohl's ever warm the cockles.
Yes, and best of all winter is the time to embrace your inner geezer and put on the thermals and the wool socks, don the Snuggie and take to the couch. And if there's a little red wine to sip or a hot toddy at your elbow, I'm not telling. Sometimes warmth comes in a recyclable container, correct? I think Faulkner used to drink hot buttered rum. If I drink it with my glasses on, I'm classy and smart, right? You say right.
So here's the to final push to spring and whatever we Texans have to do to slog through the last bit of this godforsaken season. Before we know it, it'll be time once again to start talking about how to avoid dehydration and heat stroke and we'll be watching local news anchors attempt to bake cookies on the dashboard of a car. Keep warm in the meanwhile, my tender Southerners. Those Northerners do this all the time, and naturally we can't let 'em show us up.
