So I'm in one of our local retail establishments recently, shopping blissfully (okay, no one really shops blissfully, per se, but when you're without your children, it's something close), when I hear the screaming. Looking around, I see a young mother who is not as fortunate as I. She has a full cart and two young children in tow. Automatically, she has my sympathy. I'll shop at midnight before I try to haul toddlers through the grocery store. It's brutal.
At any rate, as I'm watching this little family and feeling grateful I'm alone, a familiar drama unfolds between the two toddlers. They start to argue about who's going to help place items in Mommy's cart. And as it often happens with toddlers, violence ensues. Older boy punches younger brother. Younger brother begins to wail. And then, inexplicably, Mom grabs older boy by the shoulder and begins swatting him, punctuating each lick with a word: "You...better...not...ever...hit...your...brother!"
I was agog. This was crazy-making at its finest. Was this mother really hitting her kid to get him to stop hitting? Don't get me wrong. There's been many a time I felt I was completely unarmed to control my toddlers. I've made plenty of mistakes. A lot of us resort to hitting and time-outs because we just don't how else to influence our kids' behavior. But I'm here to let you in on a little secret about how to get your kid to be a lot more amenable, whether that kid is three or seventeen.
Why do any of us do anything we do? For reward, of course. Every decision you have made today, from the choice of clothing to going to work, has a reward of some kind. If you know anything about training dogs, for example, you know to teach him a trick you have to reward him when he gets it right. If you just beat the dog when he doesn't do the trick, he's just going to learn to avoid you, not to roll over or shake. And our kids are the same way.
So what reward do our children want? How do we teach them the proper response to discomfort? Believe it or not, it's not with gifts of Squinkies or trips to Chuck E. Cheese (which is actually a canto of hell, but I digress). Fact: what our children actually crave more than anything is a good relationship with their parents. And if you have a good relationship with your child, it turns out, they indeed will crawl over hot coals to please you.
How does this coaching look in practice? Let me break it down for you using a great example from my own kids. So we're all chilling in floor, chugging some Thomas the Tank Engine cars around some plastic tracks. Everything's copasetic until my daughter, then three years old, decides my seven year old son is crowding her section of track. So she, as many three-year-olds do, decides clocking her brother across the back of the cranium with a toy train car is an excellent way to call his attention to his encroachment.
Now, for those of you unfamiliar with Thomas the Tank Engine, first: good for you. Remain blissfully ignorant if you can. Secondly: those cars are made out of cast iron. At the time, I'm worried my daughter has caved in her brother's head. He howls in pain and then shoves his sister as hard as he can in retaliation.
Now, here's the part where it's tempting to start yelling and putting babies in corners. But what I've learned is there's a better way. First, take a deep breath and resist the urge to crack their skulls together. Once you're calm, then:
Reflect and validate. I indicated that I totally get why my son shoved my daughter. I mean, you're sitting there, minding your own business, and suddenly someone clocks you across the back of the head. If I were taking up too much space at the bar, and some one came up and punched me over it, I'd feel mad and hurt. So did my son. I let my son know I get it that he's mad and hurt and has a right to be.
Empathize. Once I identified and validated my son's feelings about my daughter wailing on him, it was time to give him an example of how I can understand his feelings. I told him a story about a stray dog who decided to come take a chomp out of my calf while I was out walking one day. About how I didn't even know him or bother him, but he decided to hurt me for walking down his street. I could, I told him, totally get how he feels.
Explore alternate behaviors. I told my son I sure felt like kicking that little dog for hurting me for no reason. But I didn't kick him, because I wouldn't feel good about myself and I could get into trouble. I needed to find some things to do that wouldn't hurt anyone or get me trouble. I told him about calling animal control and calling my mommy and crying on the phone (true story) and how those things made me feel much better.
I explored with my son some options about how he could manage his (valid!) feelings and get some relief. We came up with some great alternatives: asking for help, telling her how he feels, getting a stuffed friend or some hugs and kisses for mom. You want more than just one alternative behavior in case his first one doesn't work out for some reason.
How did it all end? With my son hugging me and saying I was a great mom, and him leaving the room feeling heard and empowered. I'm happy to say he resorts to violence a lot less these days. Oh, he's not perfect, but he doesn't want to disappoint me. We have a great relationship.
So I challenge you to give this emotional coaching thing a try. It's so crazy, it just might work. And while we're at it, we might consider how this relationship thing might reward not only the kids, but how you might be able to influence the grown-ups in your life too. Everything boils down to relationships. The use of violence or anger is kind of like holding a gun to someone's head. Pretty effective while you're wielding it, but what happens when you put it down? People run away.
So I challenge you: try it! With your spouse, your boss, the customer. Reflect ("What I hear you saying is..."). Validate ("I can totally see how for YOU that is so.") Empathize ("And I can see how you feel X about that."). Because believe it or not, even though some grown-ups seem to need a time out or a smacked bottom, there's another way to win friends...and most importantly, influence people.
