All eyes are on my 'hood. Yes, Dallas is all adither: the Packers and Steelers are coming to town, and we North Texans are bracing for the onslaught of Northern visitors from the strange lands of Pittsburgh and Green Bay. Translators might actually be a good idea. There are a lot of conceptions out there about Texas. I'm a native on the ground ready to give you your guide to what's true and what's false as you prepare to descend on our Lone Star State.
I'm concerned for our travelers, dear reader, because not only are these visitors Yankees, but a lot of them will be celebrities too. Historically, Texans have low tolerance for both former and latter. Have you seen the NFL's commercials starring Troy Aikman asking all of us to behave when the out-of-towners arrive? The fact the organization thought this was necessary should indeed concern you about the levels of Southern hospitality in Dallas.
Because here's something most people don't know: most who live in Dallas are not from Dallas or even the South. We are not all issued cowboy boots and a hat upon arrival. True, some do wear belt buckles off of which you could serve a turkey, but this is less common than you would suspect. Most of us have never approached a horse. We do not, I repeat, NOT all "boot scoot." This is particularly important for me to have you understand.
JR Ewing, by the way, wasn't real. Most of us work with telecommunications here now, not oil and gas.We are not all Republicans. Texas may be red, but you will discover Dallas itself to be quite blue (on every level). You will enjoy the Roman Orgy atmosphere of Jerry's World, where there were at last count go-go dancers at different levels in the stadium. Trust me, the Baptists don't have the hold they'd like to here. For every church there is an equal and opposite strip club. There are gays here! Bet you thought we didn't allow them. In fact, Dallas has a thriving and wealthy gay population and one of the biggest gay churches in the nation.
What you call a "pop" is a Coke here. It doesn't matter if the can says "Pepsi," "Sprite," or "Dr. Pepper." It is a Coke. Our table wine is sweet tea. Now, our Mexican food is better than anyone's. That much is true. Our women are prettier if a little high from all the hairspray. Texas women are also football literate, so don't underestimate us. The females here like football, watch football, and are used to winning football. Football is a religion here. Tom Landry is our patron saint. We can be just as mean as any body-painted Cheese Head. Example:
Northern girl: Ooh, this football game is so violent.
Texas girl: Tackle that sumbitch and break his legs!
So, I'm happy to be Ambassadress (that's a word I just made up, I'm almost sure) as you explore Texas and Dallas in the next two weeks. If you're a celebrity I follow on Twitter, I'll put you up on the sofa bed and buy you a margarita: we do make the best of those in the nation too, by the way, and I haven't even touched on the beauty that is a Shiner Bock beer. Sigh. Enjoy all that is beautiful in Texas; who am I to say what is? Y'all travel safe, and don't believe the hype.
2 comments:
Amen sister! And don't forget to tell them about the BBQ, hot sauce, and of course - rules for driving while they are here!
rules for driving: let a native drive. really, I don't care where you're from.
Maybe they'll let you shoot if you show an aptitude.
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