Total Pageviews

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Marley was a Pussy(cat): Meet Shiner

I promised a while back I would spend a little time talking about this guy:


Hope this picture isn't so big you can look up his big, dumb snout. Oh, don't feel sorry for this guy.  He's a shelter dog, mostly a Heeler mix. I wanted to name him Steve, but when you look at his eye, it's the first thing everyone comments on. No, he's not Petey. He's Shiner. Now, if you're not familiar with big, dumb country dogs, Heelers are cattle dogs. They are working dogs. I was unaware of some very key things about this dog when he moved in, so I'm here to help you learn from my experience. He was so cute! I'm sure even Hitler was as a baby, too. Here are some things I did not know when I picked him out as an eight week old puppy that I wished I had:

1. I would have to tether him to the coffee table until he was two years old to keep him from eating the crotch out of family members' pants.

2. That he, like a shark, evidently, must keep moving or die.

3. That he would lack the ability to attach emotionally to any other living creature,  and he would go on to crush my children's dreams by not caring about them in the least and knocking them down regularly and rudely.

4. That my cats would hate him and beat him up regularly. There is nothing more funny than the "thock thock thock" of a declawed cat smacking him in his stupid maw.

5. That he would eat his weight in food daily and somehow magically convert ten pounds of food into twenty pounds of poo...each log approximately the size of a Chanel clutch bag.

6. That he would dig enough holes in my yard to fill the Albert Hall (with apologies to Lennon and McCartney here) and prefer sleeping caged in a kennel rather than anywhere near me.

7. That despite being the most submissive dog ever, he would require a collar with spikes on the inside to keep him from dragging me to my death when walking leashed.

8. That no electrical current, even one that would kill the most virulent of Texas death row inmates, can faze him or keep him contained in the yard.

9. That he would be capable of scaling a six foot privacy fence as well as have the ability to, when hit by a car, damage the car and run away unscathed.

10. He's a big, dumb animal, folks, and Marley's got nothing on him.

Do you have your own unbelievable pet stories? Share them with me!

4 comments:

Cherry Rolla said...

My Marley is Max, I swear some days I want to give him away but my kids would cry! The dog is house trained but for some reason at night he will only go out with my husband. So nights when H is asleep and I have to take him out he just stands there and looks at me like I am crazy. Then on that same night he will poop on everything and it never fails he will find the only good shoes I have left out and chew them. One night I left my new ray-ban glasses on the night stand as always, when I woke up the next Am I couldnt find them. That afternoon H found them under the trunk. The dog ATE them! My glasses! I was sooo pissed.

Eliska said...

You should totally post about this! I would love to meet Max.

Unknown said...

Our Marley is our little grey cat, Gia. She is stupid as the day is long. She constantly chases her tail til she's so dizzy she falls over, she is convinced that she can catch shadows, and she is a bag licker, particularly the Target and CVS ones. For the first weeks the baby was home, she was convinced that we had had this poor, hairless, tailless kitten and we were DOIN IT WRONG. She slept near her, cuddled her, groomed her, and kept the other two cats away. She's also convinced that no one loves her and has to sit on one of us as soon as we sit down.

But hey, she's pretty and keeps us vermin-free.

Lisa said...

So glad I read this, as we have been thinking of getting a dog. I keep seeing posts for cattle dogs needing placement...wasn't sure what that meant, and now I know!