I write this missive to you, dear reader, from on the road: Hubs and the kids and I are smack in the middle of what I lovingly refer to as the Annual Counce Family Obligatory Southeastern Tour. That's right: the time of year I pack three sweaty children, one fatigued Hubs, and one eager golden retriever into a hermetically sealed van for a ten hour trek to visit relatives in another state.
Yes, it's as arduous as it sounds, considerably less whimsical than Cassidy and Kerouac, I assure you, but we are On The Road. Our Kool-Aid is the opposite of electric, however. I imagine you've all been there, either as a kid yourself or now that you've made your own family. Every now and then, most of us must find our way to a family gathering in another town or state, utilizing train, plane, or automobile. And as you also probably know, these kinds of journeys can be, shall we say at the risk of understatement, trying.
First, there's the Packing of All the Things. You'd think we were the Kardashians as many suitcases of wardrobe change we seem to require. Plotting outfits for three children for a week requires a college degree in event planning and/or an Excel spreadsheet. Mountains of laundry must be shrunken into tiny, tiny suitcases. Weather must be researched. Underwear I will not be embarrassed for my mother-in-law to launder must be procured.
Mail and papers must be halted. The house must be made secure with many locks and the sheer force of my anxiety of leaving the place for a week. Prayers must be said in order to ward off thunderstorms that might cut our power and leave a inch of melted food in the bottom of the fridge. And did I mention I need to worry? Because it really helps.
No, it's not for the feint of heart, the family summer trip. Here are some of my major hurdles and how I'm trying to wiggle around them. Maybe these tips will work for your next car trip with the kids:
Long rides in the car. Bet you think I'm going to suggest entertaining your children with educational books and activities on the way to your destination. But you would be wrong. PLY THEM WITH MOVIES AND FOOD. We got the van with the DVD player, and it is a gift of God. Along with a party pack of Ring Pops, there are no better devices for which to make with the quiet.
The long car ride is one time to give yourself permission to let your kids watch and eat crap all day long. It won't kill 'em for a day or two. Downside: you will want to claw the ears off your head at the sound of either Gilbert Gottfried's or Larry the Cable Guy's voice by the time your trip is complete. No matter. Your children will stare, slack jawed or chewing. And you will win.
Nothing to do at Grandma's. Let's face it: some our relatives are not as playful as they once were. Mother doesn't quite get what nine year old boys are in to, and the baby toy box has totally expired. Prepare for the dearth of activities. Some folks buy some cheap toys and pass them out over the time in the car; this works.
However, as I loathe packing, I proudly escape to the dollar store once at our destination and tote back Chinese plastic crap destined to poison my children. Yet if a two dollar ring toss kit keeps them occupied while Grandad tells us the complicated results of his ancestry.com search? Totally worth it.
Political incompatibility. I am a tree-hugging, arugula-munching, latte-sipping social liberal. I may or may not have been called a long-haired hippie commie freak in my lifetime. Suffice it to say, the majority of my people are not. Don't let the nonsense of politics ruin your summer family togetherness. Adopt the rule my dear departed Grandmother taught me: you don't talk about politics, sex, or religion in polite company.
Because really: when was the last time you made an impassioned plea regarding your political views to someone who disagreed with you, and the person suddenly says: "WHY YES. I'VE SEEN THE ERRORS OF MY WAYS. TELL ME MORE ABOUT HOW I LOVE OBAMACARE."
Related: don't try to bring anyone to Jesus or convince me religion is a fairy tale. I'm almost certain you are not awarded a toaster for conversions. You may say FOX, you may say MSNBC. You will buy your Chick Fil A, or you may not. But chances are, you've made up your mind. Let's just talk about the weather and the Cowboys for a few days if that's what it takes, eh?
Tackle food issues. I've noticed that the older folks I visit eat less and less every year. Or less likely to cook as they used to. Or cook weirder and weirder food. You can't blame the elderly. Of course, I've got no problem with this, but you may have, like me, been caught with your culinary pants down: six hours with no food in sight, and I get the angries.
So here's a little tip from me to you: pack food in your purse. I favor nuts, granola bars, dried fruits. I learned a long time ago not to get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (HALT. Thanks to the program). And chances are I'm hitting at least three our of four of those on the Great Summer Schlep. Having a little spike in the old blood sugar is a good thing.
Travel for comfort. I have a certain person-to-square-foot ratio tolerance zone, I must confess. It's like there's not enough oxygen in the room when there are nephews, dogs, cats, aunts, uncles, grandparents...all in the same room. Crowding makes me squirrely. What can I say? I never denied issues. However and since, I hereby give you permission to get a hotel or take whatever steps necessary to lower your stress levels. Take breaks. Or my favorite: naps. You are the traveler. Make it work for you.
So think of me, dear reader, as I navigate the last hurrah of the summer of 2012: I'm halfway through the Southeastern tour. We are being eyeballed by many, and I know that makes for happiness. Here's hoping some of my survival tips will help you as you bring your summer to a close and an end to the summer travel season. The mission to keep sanity intact is never ending. But it can be done, my friends. It can be done.
