Mother's Day! Let the frantic googling for gifts ideas begin, right? What to get the woman who carried you for nine months and changed your diapers for another two or three? She deserves the best. Fear not. As the mother of three under ten, I am here as resident expert to demystify for you what Mom really wants for her special day. Because the Mother's Day media machine might lead you astray. We don't really want roses or that strange necklace that Jane Seymour sells that looks vaguely like boobs and a butt. Here's a list of fifteen things Mom really wants for Mother's Day:
1. Wine. Wine pairs nicely with trashy magazines and/or an episode of Say Yes to the Dress.
2. Precious alone time. Ah, the sound of my own thoughts in my head. Bliss. Please take the kids and go away.
3. A Mother's Day brunch date with the girls. Mommy wants to come home drunk on bloody marys, mimosas, and mirth.
4. Homemade cards. The more glitter and glued macaroni, the better.
5. The sweet sound of silence. Did I mention we want to be alone?
6. The complete absence of any and all kicking, screaming, and arguing for a full 24 hours. Bonus points for no flailing in the floor.
7. Frequent and copious hugs and kisses.
8. To be alone in the house. Why are you still here? Get out.
9. Chocolate. The good stuff. We're totally worth at least a Whitman's Sampler just for the dishwasher loading and unloading we do daily. And laundering elementary age boys' underwear? Upgrade to Godiva.
10. Spa treatments. We moms spend all of our waking hours ensuring nothing befalls these creatures who some how, inexplicably, were left in our care. Paying someone to take care of us for even an hour while we lie down? Having nails that don't look like you've been digging in the earth? THIS.
11. Not to have to spend Mother's Day cooking for, cleaning for, or fighting with our own mothers or mothers-in-law.
12. Not to have to spend Monday morning cleaning up the house from the burned breakfast in bed and the accumulated chaos of having not done anything all Sunday.
13. Get out. Of the house. Seriously.
14. A long, leisurely soak in the bath with all the accoutrement: candles, bubbles, the aforementioned wine and trashy magazine. Instead of the usual prison-style shower.
15. A chance to move my bowels without an audience.
There it is, folks. Mother's Day made easy. Stretch marks, varicose veins, floppy body parts, c-section scars, grey hair: you were worth it all. All the cliches are grounded in truth: no one loves you like your mother. There is no love like a mother's love. So show your love and gratitude for the lady every day, not just on the Mother's Day holiday. Some people, though death or estrangement don't enjoy the unconditional love you get from your mom. So. Now. Please. Take the kids and leave already.
