Ah, school days, school days. Transitioning around here to the new routine has been a little rough. For the kids, sure. They're used to sleeping in and playing X-Box all day. However, I do confess they are doing better than their mother, who's new to this work-from-home, car pooling, full-court-press-mommy scene.
But I came home to work for this very moment: to up the parenting bar for myself, so to speak, to be more present and active with the kids, and so I say: bring it, school year! I OWN YOU.
So while I still have the energy, I've created myself a kind of Mommy Manifesto, if you will, of aspirations I have as we enter the 2011-12 school year. As God is my witness, this school year will be improved from the last by the sheer force of my iron will. Thus:
1. I will make lunches the night before school, not in the melee the morning of school, lay out the children's clothing, and have backpacks ready to go. I will not be afraid of the parent-teacher communication folder. I will open it on occasion. Red stars mean you're exceptionally well behaved, I'm sure.
2. I will forgive myself daily for the fact my children eat nothing for lunch but peanut butter and chicken nuggets.I will tune out the guilt I get from chirpy mothers who somehow get their kids to eat carrot sticks and apple slices without emotional scarring.
3. I will cancel any and all parenting magazines. This prevents my despair over my inability to shape food into cutesy vegetable faces, facilitate crafts Martha Stewart couldn't complete without staff, and the realization my children dress like Depression era hobos.
3. I will make as few car pool trips in my pajamas as I can muster. I will wear shoes in the car. Either that or sleep in my workout clothes so when you see me, you'll think I'm on my way to the gym instead of back to bed. I will embrace wearing a hat. Related: I will not curse other parents who are immaculately dressed, alert, and relaxed at 6:30 am. Even though I hate you and your superior organizational skills with the heat of a thousand suns.
4. Related: I don't care how awesome Sons of Anarchy is, I will not stay up until the middle of the night on a school night just because I'm enjoying a) silence and b) R rated programming.
5. I will not actively hide from school staff.
6. I will volunteer cheerfully. I will not sulk by the ring toss at the fall carnival checking my watch and changing the rules to the game so we can run out of supplies earlier and go home. Hell, I might even face paint with a smile.
7. I will attend a pep rally with the kids. Never mind that I used to hide in the bathroom as a teenager from the pep rallies at my own school. No matter how I feel about hundreds of kids screaming in an echo chamber of a gymnasium. I will not scowl when I do. I will don, albeit reluctantly, "spirit wear."
8. I will not complete my children's projects for them the night before they're due because I've been too busy to help them, and I won't leave them alone to do it all themselves. I will not allow this year, for example, a rock glued to the bottom of a shoebox with sand thrown in the bottom to be called a diorama. ("No, really, it's a representation of the ecosystem in Afghanistan! Yeah! That's the ticket!")
9. I will resist the urge to throw elbows at other parents who crowd their way in front of me at school programs. I will not judge you for bringing what is clearly the equivalent of a news crew to record your child's breathless rendition of "The Turkey Boogie" at the Thanksgiving program.
10. I will not arrange bakery cookies on a plate and pass them off as home made. I will not search the house frantically the night before the class Christmas party and end up wrapping paper clips or a used stapler as a teacher gift.
I thought about also including a promise to chaperone a field trip, but forgive me. I'm only human. Herding hundreds of kids with sack lunches in a school bus? I'm not woman enough. Clearly so much growth for me left to be had. But these above aspirations are just a few musings I've had on how to make this one a better school year. I'm also kind of sure this manifesto resembles New Year's resolutions in that I really, really mean them. For at least the next ten days. Best of luck this year, parents! We're going to need it.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Marriage: Now Without Divorce or Homicide!
When people hear I've been married over fifteen years with no arrests or appearances on the news, they start asking for my secret. Let's be honest: those of us with long marriages under our belt will admit there's love in it. Sure. But there's hatred and madness, too. So with more than half of marriages ending in divorce (and did you know about 65% of second marriages also end in divorce?), I'm here to give you a few pointers on how not only to stay married, but maybe even be glad you did.
Forget the breathless romance. Too many people are sold on the idea that you will always feel the way about your partner the way you did when you first met him. LIES! Even if you marry Gandhi, there will be a time when you will want to scream at him to get his damn sandals out from under the coffee table. Long marriages are based on friendship. So if y'all don't enjoy doing similar activities and mutual shared projects, it'll be hard. And when you're relationship isn't good, folks, the sex is the first thing to go. A good sex life is an indicator of an emotionally intimate relationship.
Realize you married who you married. I have discovered that men, indeed, are not tomatoes. You don't pick them and have them magically ripen on the shelf into the person you actually want. If he's not much of a talker now, he never will be. Marriage is not a magic wand that changes someone into someone else. Time to quit asking that tomato to be an apple. It's called maturity, folks. And guess what: you picked that tomato, honey. You knew the job was dangerous when you took it.
You suck, too. Realize that just like when your partner leaves empty containers in the fridge, making your head want to explode into a fine, pink mist, you too have foibles that make YOU less than easy to live with. Does my husband gnash his teeth every time I fail to alphabetize the spice rack? I have a theory. But here's what we do for each other: we review the list of each other's negative qualities and invite each other in, anyway. For every annoying thing your partner does, you irk him in kind. In the end, it just comes down to one question: But am I better off with or without this person?
Animus et fortis. Latin for "friendship and fidelity." This is a mindset, folks. Do you treat your partner as considerately as your best friend? Accept that you swore on an altar before God As You Understand Her to defend this person? If you look carefully, the old saying about hurting those closest to us is inevitably true. Do you speak more respectfully to retail store staff than your partner? Check that. And fidelity? It's not just keeping your underwear on, people. It means aligning your lot with your partner, being on their team and being head cheerleader for Team Marriage. At all times. Even when he or she is wearing his or her butt on his or her shoulders. Maybe even especially then.
They don't complete you. I am a romance addict; ask anyone. I'm addicted to soaps (don't judge me), chick flicks, and frothy Gothic English novels by Jane Eyre. But even I know that hubs and I are two separate people. Too many people, women especially, enter into relationships and lose themselves. And suddenly we're pouting because our partner wants time alone or with friends. Remember where you end and begin, friends. It's alright hubs wants to watch Dr. Who in one room while I read in another. Togetherness is not always all it's cracked up to be.
To everything, there is a season. My father's wedding day advice? "You're going to want a divorce one day. Just know it isn't an option." No, I didn't get my romantic streak from him, but perhaps my blunt honesty. Because the truth is you will want a divorce if you stay married long enough. Hell, you'll want to commit a splattery crime, I assure you. But kind of like knocking over a liquor store when you're broke, you just won't go there. There will be times you will wander more away from one another, and then seasons when you are closer than ever before.
Build yourself. Give up the fantasy your partner will change as well as trying to force your partner to change. Change instead your expectations of your partner and yourself. Let your partner do it their way. Make requests instead of demands, and accept "no" as an answer without getting angry or sulking.
Marriage. It ain't for the feint of heart, friends. Maybe it ain't even natural. But it can be deeply satisfying and mutually beneficial. But we've got to lose some of the ridiculous expectations we have about love and marriage that we've learned from the radio, TV, and movies. Because having a best friend with benefits for the rest of your life? That can definitely not suck.
Forget the breathless romance. Too many people are sold on the idea that you will always feel the way about your partner the way you did when you first met him. LIES! Even if you marry Gandhi, there will be a time when you will want to scream at him to get his damn sandals out from under the coffee table. Long marriages are based on friendship. So if y'all don't enjoy doing similar activities and mutual shared projects, it'll be hard. And when you're relationship isn't good, folks, the sex is the first thing to go. A good sex life is an indicator of an emotionally intimate relationship.
Realize you married who you married. I have discovered that men, indeed, are not tomatoes. You don't pick them and have them magically ripen on the shelf into the person you actually want. If he's not much of a talker now, he never will be. Marriage is not a magic wand that changes someone into someone else. Time to quit asking that tomato to be an apple. It's called maturity, folks. And guess what: you picked that tomato, honey. You knew the job was dangerous when you took it.
You suck, too. Realize that just like when your partner leaves empty containers in the fridge, making your head want to explode into a fine, pink mist, you too have foibles that make YOU less than easy to live with. Does my husband gnash his teeth every time I fail to alphabetize the spice rack? I have a theory. But here's what we do for each other: we review the list of each other's negative qualities and invite each other in, anyway. For every annoying thing your partner does, you irk him in kind. In the end, it just comes down to one question: But am I better off with or without this person?
Animus et fortis. Latin for "friendship and fidelity." This is a mindset, folks. Do you treat your partner as considerately as your best friend? Accept that you swore on an altar before God As You Understand Her to defend this person? If you look carefully, the old saying about hurting those closest to us is inevitably true. Do you speak more respectfully to retail store staff than your partner? Check that. And fidelity? It's not just keeping your underwear on, people. It means aligning your lot with your partner, being on their team and being head cheerleader for Team Marriage. At all times. Even when he or she is wearing his or her butt on his or her shoulders. Maybe even especially then.
They don't complete you. I am a romance addict; ask anyone. I'm addicted to soaps (don't judge me), chick flicks, and frothy Gothic English novels by Jane Eyre. But even I know that hubs and I are two separate people. Too many people, women especially, enter into relationships and lose themselves. And suddenly we're pouting because our partner wants time alone or with friends. Remember where you end and begin, friends. It's alright hubs wants to watch Dr. Who in one room while I read in another. Togetherness is not always all it's cracked up to be.
To everything, there is a season. My father's wedding day advice? "You're going to want a divorce one day. Just know it isn't an option." No, I didn't get my romantic streak from him, but perhaps my blunt honesty. Because the truth is you will want a divorce if you stay married long enough. Hell, you'll want to commit a splattery crime, I assure you. But kind of like knocking over a liquor store when you're broke, you just won't go there. There will be times you will wander more away from one another, and then seasons when you are closer than ever before.
Build yourself. Give up the fantasy your partner will change as well as trying to force your partner to change. Change instead your expectations of your partner and yourself. Let your partner do it their way. Make requests instead of demands, and accept "no" as an answer without getting angry or sulking.
Marriage. It ain't for the feint of heart, friends. Maybe it ain't even natural. But it can be deeply satisfying and mutually beneficial. But we've got to lose some of the ridiculous expectations we have about love and marriage that we've learned from the radio, TV, and movies. Because having a best friend with benefits for the rest of your life? That can definitely not suck.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
You Can't Fight Crime in a Thong: Mysogynist Madness
So, if you're like me and raising a daughter, have you noticed it's not getting any easier making sure she knows her worth isn't in her looks? Do you, like me, fear her highest aspiration will be only to be a Real Housewife, or God forbid, a Bachelorette? Luckily, my daughter has two older brothers, so she is constantly exposed to their toys, books, and shows. She's into action, so it wasn't too surprising when she asked for a Wonder Woman party for her birthday last year.
Now, the superhero world is clearly male-dominated, sure, but did you know it's practically impossible to buy Wonder Woman or Super Girl party decorations, toys, or clothes? When it comes to girls' toys, entertainment, and clothes, your choice is pretty much pretty much princess, diva, or brat. And even if you do see a strong, capable female in the media, she's always all tarted up. I'm looking at you, Lara Croft.
For further example, the new Justice League comic is out. And sure enough, Wonder Woman is hypersexualized. Here's some fun via Bleeding Cool: let's see what the male superheroes look like when they're posed like Wonder Woman (complete with the actual rendering of her at the bottom):
Men would never stand for such nonsense. I mean really, people. It's 2011. Are you basing your daughter's worth subtly on her looks? Are you praising your son for his efforts and your daughter for how pretty she is? Why are young girls' clothes getting sluttier and sluttier? Related: my daughter's young tuchus will never sport a message, thanks. When I see a pre-teen girl wearing the word "Juicy" across her behind, I fear a future on the pole for her.
And speaking of poles, shouldn't we be a little embarrassed we're speaking about poles? Pole dancing has come out of the strip clubs and into the fitness clubs. Ten year old model Thylane Lena-Rose Blondeau is featured spread out suggestively in the name of "fashion." Suri Cruise rocks high heels at age four. What's next? A porn career for Dora the Explorer?
Seriously, folks. If you're parenting, gain some awareness about how you interact with your daughter. If you're a female, check yourself. Are you sending the message of body acceptance? Or are you reinforcing the message that you are who you wear...and it better not be over a size 6? Make sure she understands her worth is based on the content of her character and how she behaves, not the size of her behind or what brand's stamped on it. Oh, a little princess fun can't hurt anyone. But raising a generation of women who think the only vehicle to success is being hot? Then I'm pretty sure the terrorists win.
Now, the superhero world is clearly male-dominated, sure, but did you know it's practically impossible to buy Wonder Woman or Super Girl party decorations, toys, or clothes? When it comes to girls' toys, entertainment, and clothes, your choice is pretty much pretty much princess, diva, or brat. And even if you do see a strong, capable female in the media, she's always all tarted up. I'm looking at you, Lara Croft.
For further example, the new Justice League comic is out. And sure enough, Wonder Woman is hypersexualized. Here's some fun via Bleeding Cool: let's see what the male superheroes look like when they're posed like Wonder Woman (complete with the actual rendering of her at the bottom):
Men would never stand for such nonsense. I mean really, people. It's 2011. Are you basing your daughter's worth subtly on her looks? Are you praising your son for his efforts and your daughter for how pretty she is? Why are young girls' clothes getting sluttier and sluttier? Related: my daughter's young tuchus will never sport a message, thanks. When I see a pre-teen girl wearing the word "Juicy" across her behind, I fear a future on the pole for her.
And speaking of poles, shouldn't we be a little embarrassed we're speaking about poles? Pole dancing has come out of the strip clubs and into the fitness clubs. Ten year old model Thylane Lena-Rose Blondeau is featured spread out suggestively in the name of "fashion." Suri Cruise rocks high heels at age four. What's next? A porn career for Dora the Explorer?
Seriously, folks. If you're parenting, gain some awareness about how you interact with your daughter. If you're a female, check yourself. Are you sending the message of body acceptance? Or are you reinforcing the message that you are who you wear...and it better not be over a size 6? Make sure she understands her worth is based on the content of her character and how she behaves, not the size of her behind or what brand's stamped on it. Oh, a little princess fun can't hurt anyone. But raising a generation of women who think the only vehicle to success is being hot? Then I'm pretty sure the terrorists win.
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